LDW And OPW

There is, at times, a fine line between taking a personal site and making it into just a blog. This site mainly exists for me to express myself, share my writing and update everyone on my writing projects. The thing is, there’s been a lot of stuff going on for me.

A lot.

The biggest thing is Lennox David Walsh and Owen Prince Walsh.

Tired dad chronicles with Big Len and Little O.

A photo posted by Dave Walsh (@dvewlsh) on

These are my little dudes and, needless to say, while my next few projects are still being worked on, this is why I haven’t been working as much on them and why I probably won’t be releasing anything in 2016. Probably. Who knows, right?

‘All I ever wanted, to be left alone’

Sometimes there are just these strange, lucid moments of utter clarity and perfection. These are the moments that we all live for, no matter what you do, what your talent is, how much money you have or where you live. Clarity is beautiful. The past week I’ve been obsessed with a Prince song called “Way Back Home.” It’s a song off of ART OFFICIAL  AGE, which like most of Prince’s later work, has been completely dismissed.

I get it, I really do. Prince had some rough times when it comes to official releases. He had issues with his identity on every level, from his sexual, spiritual, artistic and even personal identity. I’m not sure that I’ve ever seen an artist be as truly conflicted as he was. He struggled with religious convictions from the mid-80’s forward, before he finally became a Jehovah’s Witness and his whole outlook changed.

A good portion of his career was spent alternating between running away from and attempting to recapture the song Purple Rain. In a way, it was a work that was simply so many things to so many people that everyone wanted him to recreate it for the rest of his life, while he would go through phases where he rejected that and other times when he yearned to be loved again and would try to create a new Purple Rain.

Listening to ART OFFICIAL AGE it’s pretty clear that by the time that 2014 came around he was starting to feel more comfortable with his identity, or he was at least comfortable speaking about it. While PLECTRUMELECTRUM with 3rdEyeGirl was Prince enjoying himself through some of the best guitar rock imaginable alongside the talented backing band, ART OFFICIAL AGE was Prince reaching out to the world and making himself more vulnerable than perhaps he ever has been.

While ART OFFICIAL AGE is nowhere near his best album, it features a suite of songs that I find it impossible to ignore. Without anything else to call it, I’ll call it his “affirmations.” That’s what my playlist on Tidal is named.

There are four tracks that just fall short of twelve minutes, featuring British singers Lianne La Havas and Delilah (La Havas on Clouds and affirmation I & II, Delilah on Way Back Home, both on affirmation III). In a way, it feels like Prince is doing what he always did throughout his career by lambasting the commoners for their ways. It starts with Clouds.

“When life’s a stage, in this brand new age
How do we engage?
Bullying just for fun
No wonder there’s so many guns
Maybe we’re better off in space”

Life is sort of a stage. The song ponders if there is value in a slight romantic gesture if its done in private and not on a “stage,” such as an Instagram, Twitter or Facebook post. If the world can’t see it, did it really happen? Prince, is all of his, well, Prince-ness then has Lianne act as a voice speaking to him about being put in suspended animation and revived 45 years later in a time without all of the superficiality.

Interestingly enough, the next time we hear Lianne she warns him of what he’ll have to do to interact with women again. Affirmation #1 is “There are no such words as me or mine.” They are explained as control mechanisms created by mankind for essentially enslavement. The song bleeds over into Way Back Home, which was actually released by Warner Bros. as a single.

Take a second to process that, because this was his return to Warner Bros. and he selected a song that was not only not much of a catchy pop or funk song, it wasn’t a ballad and the song felt like the most honest that we’ve heard him talk in ages. It’s a threadbare song in many respects, with the only constants being a waning kick drum, a seven note (alternates between six) melody in F minor on guitar and a background whooshing. There are other parts of the composition, such as a cameo from his famous drum machine, a bit of a synth here and there, but what makes this song powerful are the words and delivery.

Delilah’s vocal-fried delivery of the chorus add another voice to what is otherwise a stark appeal to the listener, explaining his struggles with being who he is, dealing with expectations — both internal and external — and how he’s failed. My god, he talks about how he failed without ever saying it, but this song is about him picking himself up, about not letting failure define him.

The last song, affirmation III, is him being forgiven amidst the ending of this strange, four-track sci-fi arc where Prince gains telepathy powers. In fact, he accepts who he is.

“You’ve probably felt many years in your former life, u were separate from not only only others, but even yourself.
Now u can see that was never the case
U are actually everything and anything that u can think of.
All of it is U”

As a writer, all of this strikes a major chord with me and just reminds me of how devastating of a loss his death was. Famous people — people that I don’t know — die all of the time. I can enjoy their work still, appreciate it, but usually without the accompanying pangs of defeat and sorrow that came this time around. Growing up I always had a deep connection with music, to the point where I’d search out music that understood where I was and what I was feeling. I’d express myself through the lyrics, finding power and strength through them.

I’ve always seeked sadder, darker music. In a way, it’s just a reflection of how I’ve lived. Part of being a writer is wanting to express yourself to the world, to be able to just tear out a part of your essence, put it onto the page and show it off to the world. It’s being able to finally do this after feeling like being unable to properly do it any other way for so long. Prince was always different. His music could be sad, it could be fun, it could be deep, it could be surface or downright insane.

But that is what art has always been for me; it has been an outlet. Other people’s art has been inspiration, it has told me that I’m not alone. Yes, I think differently sometimes, I get depressed, I get upset and I turn inward to try to figure it all out. This four-song arc is, simply stated, exactly what I was looking for right now. In part it’s because I see myself in these lyrics. I am searching, I am dealing with a lot of these same thoughts, insecurities and the inner turmoil. 

I’m trying to find exactly what my voice should be. I’ve done a lot of things for the sake of being “commercial” and to make money, but the reality is that isn’t why I write. I don’t write to make money, although I do make a living as a writer right now and couldn’t be more proud. I’m writing because I want to say something, I want to have an impact on someone else and I want to let people inside. I never wanted all of the bullshit that comes with being “successful” — although I’d gladly accept it — I just always wanted people to know me. At the same time, I have always found solace in my self. Writing is a way to simply get all of this out of me, at the end of the day, I really just want to be left alone to be me.

Not always, but sometimes, that is all that I want. I get it. I absolutely, 1,000% get it.

When I find myself having a difficult time dealing with other people — with trying to express myself to them only to be unable to find that common ground to start from — I turn inward. Not everyone is going to understand me, nor is everyone going to get or like me. That will always hurt and I’ll always try, but at the end of the day, while I’m in no way going to compare myself with anyone else, put myself anywhere near anyone else’s level, I’m different. I think differently, act differently, want different things.

Things are going extremely well right now, with us just a few weeks out from the pending birth of our twin boys. I have a new job writing for Uproxx’s front page — which is fantastic — and I’m currently juggling between a few different book projects. I’m not sure how I feel about them yet, but one is out to readers, another is just starting while another is forming itself in my mind. If any of these are actually what I want to express to the world is another question, but I’ll get there.

I need to go easier on myself. Even Prince had his misses. Some people aren’t meant to only release limited, solely genius work. It’s a mythos built up by a few exceptional people and not a standard to hold other people to.

All-in-all I should be proud. I’ve taken myself for the misshapen peg that I am and found a way to make it all work. I’ve done it on my own terms.

“I never wanted a typical life
Scripted role, huh a trophy wife
All I ever wanted, to be left alone
See my bed’s made up at night
‘Cause in my dreams I roam
Just trying to find, trying to find
My way back, back home

So many reasons why
There’s so many reasons why
I don’t belong here
But now that I am I
Without fear I am
Gonna conquer with no fear
Until I find my way back home
Until I find my way back home
(Find my way back home)

Most people in this world (Most people in this world)are born dead
But I was born alive
(I was born with this dream)
With a dream outside my head (outside my head)
That I could find my way back home
My, my, way way back home

Is this the way? (Is this the way?)

Power to the ones who could raise a child like me
The path was set
But if you look the truth will set us free
I’ve heard about those happy endings
But it’s still a mystery
Lemme tell you about me
I’m happiest when I can see
My way back home
Can you see
My way back, my way back home”

Tracy Died Soon After a Long Fought Civil War

I’m not even sure how to process all of this.

The year 2016 has felt like one punch in the gut after the other, although I keep reminding myself that there are good things happening and good things to come. I’ve always tried to avoid the whole “public mourning over a public figure” thing because, really, I didn’t know them personally. I did have a personal loss this year of my grandfather and trust me, that one hurt. But that’s personal and family, so I handle it in different ways. The impact of my grandfather on myself and my world is a known quantity and something that I don’t really feel needs to be shared with the world.

This year I lost two of my heroes and it sucks. I’m not sure that there is a more eloquent way to put that or to express how awful it feels. I, like many others, grew up a weird kid. I was an angry kid most of the time and I grew up listening to heavier music because of that. I liked to brood. I was at time pigheaded in my views of what made music “good,” and if it didn’t come from certain parts of Scandinavia I simply wasn’t interested.

I’m not sure what it was about Prince that drew me to him, honestly. Maybe it was that he did the Batman soundtrack in ‘89 and I grew up obsessed with that movie? I don’t know, but somewhere along the way Purple Rain became a part of my regular life. But I always thought that it was weird, something that other kids didn’t like or care about, hell, even made fun of, so I didn’t talk about it. We were all image conscious and my image was that of an angry kid who liked angry things, so I didn’t want to change that. I’m not entirely sure why.

But I remember one day when I was at my friend Ryan’s house with our friend Thom in high school. Thom was always a bit more worldly in his views and wasn’t afraid of it, which is always something that I admired about him. We were talking about music, as we were prone to do, and an offhand comment he made made me stop. “Sign ‘O the Times is one of the best albums ever.” This was an age where the internet was still really early, mind you, life wasn’t soaked in thinkpieces and social media influence and arguments. All that I knew about Prince were the few albums that I had and that most people thought that he was weird, effeminate or that liking him was “gay,” which at the time felt like a death sentence.

My dad was a source of a lot of my musical influence, but he never cared for Prince or Bowie, who turned into two of my biggest influences and artistic heroes. But that one day when Thom talked about just how good Prince was something clicked. Was Prince really that great? I started buying up whatever Prince that I could, even the weird, obscure stuff that people didn’t seem to like much, and I loved all of it.

Name me a Prince album and I’ll find you something to love about it. Chaos and Disorder? I Rock, Therefore I am. Graffiti Bridge? Love Machine. The Gold Experience? Dolphin. I could keep going. You get the picture. I even loved (and I mean LOVED) Rainbow Children. The message was something that I really was unhappy and uncomfortable with, but the music was just incredible.

There are so many milestones in my life that can be measured through Prince, even. From my first girlfriend, overcoming severe depression in my teens to my college years to going to see the Musicology tour and so much of my adulthood. The first movie that Lori and I watched on what was probably our second or third date? Purple Rain. That was also the song that we danced to at our wedding reception. As much as I wanted to, I held back on playing the overly-cheeky “Wedding Feast” from Rainbow Children at our wedding.

As a guitar player Prince influenced me in so many ways. He was brilliant, sometimes more brilliant than anyone would ever give him credit for. He wrote pop music, sure, he did some simple stuff, but as a guitar player he was beyond impressive. Sure, he was a genius at just about every instrument that he played, but when he played guitar it felt like the world stopped to hear what he had to say. He expressed himself via piano brilliantly, but the guitar is where he bared his soul.

This wasn’t his best, but it’s probably up there.

I feel like there is a stigma with latching onto “celebrities” and caring about them. Undoubtedly whenever someone dies and there is a social media outpouring there are the people shouting “THAT IS FAKE.” Sometimes I agree with it, but other times it’s David Bowie and Prince in one year and I’m not sure what to do with myself. Prince was a brilliant in so many ways, troubled in so many ways. He wrote a lot of music and while a lot of it, on the surface, sounded fun and happy, there was a certain melancholy to it. He always seemed to be having fun, but there was a deep, inner sadness that was deeply embedded in his music, even if he attempted to eschew it. So no, all of his music wasn’t about fucking and love, it was usually about that, but also how alone he truly was. Growing up that was something that I picked up on right away and never let go of.

Everyone has a Prince song that they love and I’m not sure that I could ever just pick one. From every era, every album I have a favorite, but the only one that I find fitting for his passing is Sometimes it Snows in April. Parade is one of those albums that holds a place in my heart. Sure, Under a Cherry Moon was not a good movie, but the soundtrack was perhaps one of his best overall works. I can’t help but listen to this and cry.

“Tracy died soon after a long fought civil war,
Just after I’d wiped away his last tear
I guess he’s better off than he was before,
A whole lot better off than the fools he left here
I used to cry for Tracy because he was my only friend
Those kind of cars don’t pass you every day
I used to cry for Tracy because I wanted to see him again,
But sometimes sometimes life ain’t always the way

Sometimes it snows in April
Sometimes I feel so bad, so bad
Sometimes I wish life was never ending,
And all good things, they say, never last

Springtime was always my favorite time of year,
A time for lovers holding hands in the rain
Now springtime only reminds me of Tracy’s tears
Always cry for love, never cry for pain
He used to say so strong unafraid to die
Unafraid of the death that left me hypnotized
No, staring at his picture I realized
No one could cry the way my Tracy cried

Sometimes it snows in April
Sometimes I feel so bad
Sometimes, sometimes I wish that life was never ending,
And all good things, they say, never last

I often dream of heaven and I know that Tracy’s there
I know that he has found another friend
Maybe he’s found the answer to all the April snow
Maybe one day I’ll see my Tracy again

Sometimes it snows in April
Sometimes I feel so bad, so bad
Sometimes I wish that life was never ending,
But all good things, they say, never last

All good things that say, never last
And love, it isn’t love until it’s past”

Please, go do yourself a favor and listen to Parade.

Rogue One Trailer Drops annnnd People Get Upset

I feel like I’ve put up a lot of stuff about Star Wars on my blog in the last year or so. In a way it’s sort of odd because my Star Wars fandom peaked when I was younger and as an adult I don’t have that same pull towards the franchise that I did before. I still really enjoy it for what it is, but the original trilogy don’t really do it for me like they used to. That doesn’t mean that I can’t have fond memories and that The Force Awakens didn’t give me goosebumps or make me emotional at times, because it did.

The trailer for Rogue One: A Star Wars Story came out this week. Since it isn’t a continuation of the main story like The Force Awakens was there isn’t as much of that whole, initial ZOMFGOMGOMGOMG reaction. The trailer serves to introduce the lead character in the upcoming prequel to A New Hope and shows what the main plotline will be; following the character who stole the plans to the original Death Star. Along the way you see stormtroopers, rebels, hear klaxons, see a lot of capes, AT-ATs and hear a familiar, if not muted melody.

Essentially, we are getting another glimpse into the Star Wars universe and it’ll follow another kick ass female lead — Jyn — on her journey. Cool, right? Apparently not. A simple Google search of Rogue One right now brings up alleged “controversies” and a brief look at the YouTube comments on the trailer show the kind of shit that we’ve grown accustomed to; people being shitlords.

A tweet that I saw from Kumail Nanjiani of Silicon Valley fame on April 7th really kinda hammered home the whole thing for me.

He breaks it down so simply and eloquently. When he was a kid all of the stuff that he saw had kickass white guys as the leads and he, as a kid, had to wish that he was like the lead character. I’m a white dude, which puts me in a privileged class of people. No, my life hasn’t always been easy and I still have a lot of struggles that I deal with on a daily basis. That being said, I’ve never been left wanting or feeling left out when I want to escape into a movie, television show or book. I’m always represented.

In a way, I’m bummed that other kids didn’t get the same experience as I did growing up. I’m bummed that girls growing up had Disney princesses but didn’t have their own Luke Skywalker or Han Solo to play as. Sure, there was Princess Leia and she had her moments, but she still felt like an afterthought a lot of the time and like a built in love interest for first Luke, then Han. I could aspire to be a hero who fended off the bad guys because I was shown it, while female characters have historically been on the sidelines cheering for the hero and waiting for his manly return to plant a kiss on his cheek.

Being excluded feels crummy, we’ve all been excluded at one time or another, and having films, television, books and more excluding less and less people isn’t a bad thing, it’s a good thing. It isn’t a sign of an overly-PC society looking to simply not rock the boat or make people upset, it’s a sign of progress and trying to reach broader audiences. Nor is it a sign of some sort of strange, dystopian future brooding over the horizon of a female-dominated society where men are castrated and forced to do dishes in high heels at the whim of their amazonian female overlords.

Women have been doing the same shit as men for a long time now, sometimes without the same amount of credit or acceptance. Maybe instead of simply having a knee-jerk reaction of “WELL FUCK THIS SHIT, THIS ISN’T FOR ME, YOU JUST LOST A LOYAL FAN,” those who have such reactions should hold back a bit and reflect on how they feel. Those feelings are very real and are not actually wrong. It sucks feeling left out. Instead those people should stop and think about how everyone else felt while the straight white male rode roughshod over popular culture and society and everyone else was left feeling that way, but were told that their opinion didn’t matter.

There will still be kickass dudes in Rogue One, no doubt. There are a few top-billed guys in the movie who no doubt will do some cool stuff, not all of them are white, either. Because really, in what sort of future will there only be kickass white guys? I for one and excited about Rogue One and will do my damnedest to go see it when it opens just like I would for any other Star Wars movie.

It is Star Wars after all, right?

Book Review: Legend of the Galactic Heroes Volume 1

Man.

I grew up as the occasional anime viewer. I was a dork, but not a superdork, basically. About two years ago now a friend of mine recommended this series to me. Not only did he recommend it, but he insisted on me watching it. So I did. I’m not sure that even he knew the profound impact that it would have on me.

Fast forward to now and the novels that the series was based off of are finally being translated into English and released to the public. When I found that out I purchased this and devoured it as quickly as I could. I’ve been immersed in contemporary science fiction for the past two years now and I’ve mostly found myself in the land of malaise more than being excited about what’s out there. Reading this was just a reminder of what great science fiction can really do to a reader.

While I’m already intimately aware of the story, characters and lore of LoGH, reading the novel was a treat. The narrative style and point of views featured throughout the novel added depth and interest to one of the deepest, most interesting series that I can think of. Since this was a translation it’s difficult to really hyper-analyze the prose itself, although it was punchy and kept the tone that fans will recognize from the show. That means that the narrator keeps a rather dry, historical perspective on events, but when it shifts to the point of view of the characters everything felt weighty and substantive.

The way that this series handles a rather objective view or humanity, society, governmental systems and the whole concept of “good” or “bad” is really without peer. Yes, it’s a series about war, but it shows both sides and endears the reader/viewer to characters on both sides of the story, instead of looking to say who is bad and good. The whole thing works because of just how strong these characters are, too.

This isn’t an overly-complicated piece of literature when it comes to language or science, which tends to be what trends heavily for science fiction these days, but the story and the characters are just so marvelously done that it’s impossible not to recommend this book. If somehow you haven’t seen the series (which doesn’t seem like a stretch), I implore you to check out this book.

Originally posted on Goodreads.

Falling Home

I’ll admit it, I’ve had sort of a tough time coming up with something to post on here of late. There is a lot of stuff going on in my life, but some of it I’m just not comfortable talking about, some of it pertains to my writing career and some of it is just regular life stuff. Needless to say, just like always, I’ve been working a lot. That’s kind of what I do. Hell, this is technically working and it’s 2:06am on a Sunday morning.

Science fiction has been on my mind a lot and I’ve been questioning what my path will be moving forward. I’m a few drafts into the follow-up to Terminus Cycle and I’m not entirely sure that I feel like it’s done. In fact, my latest thinking is that I need to do a rewrite on it. That is disappointing considering that it’s 140,000 words and I’ve put a lot of work into it, but releasing it as it is really won’t be doing myself any justice here. Not that it’s bad, but it’s just missing a key something from it that is hard to put your finger on. I’m pretty sure that I’ve figured out what it’s missing and how to fix it, but that project is shelved for the time being.

If you were actually anxiously-awaiting the follow-up I’m genuinely sorry that I’m not living up to my original road map for this whole series. Originally I had envisioned book two being out by the late summer and that would have been entirely possible, but realistically, it wouldn’t have been very good. I work quickly enough, but working quickly doesn’t always equate to pumping out the best work, that’s why revisions and rewrites exist.

Ironically, the book that I started working on during my off-time at the end of last year is nearing completion. I’m going to give it another revision pass before I start looking into beta readers and feedback on it, then go from there. This was me revisiting an older story that I worked on over ten years ago, but fleshing it out, honing the style a bit and making it a bit less, well, ridiculous. I guess that you could still call it science fiction, but it’s post-apocalyptic fiction for sure.

For those of you that know me you know that I fucking hate zombies with a passion now, although I used to really be into them over ten years ago. There may be some in this, but I promise you that this isn’t another stupid zombie book. This book was fun to write, it’s action-packed and has a pretty interesting cast of characters. I’m not sure if I’ll shop this around to traditional publishers and agents or if I’ll just toss this one up on my own yet. As much as I feel like this could be *the one* that sells really well as an indie title, the allure of being traditionally published is still a big one for me right now.

I guess I finally did something with my life-long obsession with Mad Max.

But, really, who knows, right?

I’m still in sort of a daze as my grandfather passed away on Thursday from a rather short and brutal battle with mesothelioma. This has really been a dick-punch of a year thus far, hasn’t it?

A Fond Farewell; or, All Hail the King of Strong Style

Last night was a strange night for myself, both as a grown-ass-man and a fan of such an oddity as Japanese pro wrestling (which I call pro wres, because that’s what they call it, not “puro” or “pure-o-ree-sue”). Last night I got to watch what will most likely be Shinsuke Nakamura’s final match within a New Japan Pro Wrestling ring, alongside some of the names that he came up with, or that he competed against for years. I was tired while watching the opening matches, found myself doing the dishes to stay awake during the intermission, but still fixated on the video reel that they threw together of his farewell press conference and career retrospective.

My god.

In a way, it’s kinda crazy. I got to watch Shinsuke Nakamura throughout his entire career with New Japan Pro Wrestling, with all of the bumps along the way. That means from the rushed young lion phase of his career right into the “Supernova” phase that saw him, a young wrestling prodigy, tasked with carrying not only the struggling company on his shoulders, but the struggling world of pro wres as well. At the time Shinsuke was an awkward young guy, there was supposed to be a chip on his shoulder, but instead it seemed like he was just some young kid thrust into a position that he clearly wasn’t ready for and everything that came with it.

They wanted him to fit a mold, to become the living embodiment of stars from years past like Nobuhiko Takada and the legendary Shin’ya Hashimoto. They didn’t want him to be himself, and perhaps, he wasn’t quite sure who he was at that time, either. I got to watch him grow from that awkward kid with an entire culture and history of pro wres on his back to a confident, self-fulfilled performer who was so incredibly sure of himself that it was hard to believe that he was ever anything else but the King of Strong Style.

I’ve been following his career since the beginning, watching while he journeyed from that awkwardness to not only accepting it, but being proud of it and turning it into a vehicle to express himself to the world and be proud of who he was. All of that happened while I, myself, grew up and had to deal with similar issues. We all grapple with these growing pains and becoming the person that we really should be, which sometimes is a stark contrast from what we envisioned for ourselves.

A tearful goodbye.
A tearful goodbye.

For Shinsuke Nakamura he wanted to be what New Japan and the fans wanted him to be. He wanted to be that bad ass, that saviour of Antonio Inoki’s vaunted Strong Style pro wrestling, but it didn’t fit. Nakamura wasn’t that bad ass by nature, he was a kooky, eccentric guy that absolutely could be an asskicker if he wanted to be, but never seemed comfortable in that role. So he spent years in the black, Lion-mark trunks trying to embody the perfect Inoki warrior without anything ever fitting.

Similarly, for years I tried to fit into a mold that I felt I should at least attempt to squeeze into. I wanted my father to be proud of me, I wanted to prove that I could do these things that no one thought I could ever do. I, that eccentric kid growing up whose self image was that of a quiet, conscientious kid who could follow rules and make everyone else happy, wasn’t really that kid. The shock on my face in fourth grade when my teacher singled me out as one of the class’s biggest troublemakers and loudmouths was palpable. That was a joke, wasn’t it? When my desk was moved to the center of the room alongside other kids that I had always turned my nose up at and believed that I was somehow better than was a strange wake-up call.

Yet that quiet, nice kid was still what I strived for. Climbing a corporate ladder, taking advantage of these “born leadership abilities” that I had and “making something of myself” felt important. In fact, while I was doing that my father was so incredibly proud of me, to the point where it broke my heart at times. After years of being disappointing to both myself and to my family (or at least perceiving that disappointment), I was finally doing the right thing. Of course, it wasn’t actually the right thing for me. Creatively I had died a slow death, watching as all of those ideas that once filled my mind became less and less tangible or exciting, instead setting it aside to take life “seriously.”

When people think of intellectual pursuits or viable forms of entertainment I’m sure that professional wrestling is at the very end of the list, if not barred from that list entirely, yet it’s something that I’ve always been drawn to. As a bigger kid growing up who wasn’t exactly great at traditional sports I saw pro wrestling as such a natural fit for myself. I could do that, I thought. People liked me, and if they didn’t like me, they at least listened to me when I spoke, even if I never saw myself as deserving of that attention. Literature was always my main hook, but pro wrestling never quite went away, instead I searched for something that I could assign more meaning and value to, which led me to watching stuff beyond the traditional, southern-style wrestling in the US.

When I first saw Shinsuke’s new attitude I wasn’t sure that it worked. That awkward, vanilla, boring guy was gyrating, dressing in tight leather pants and acting like a mix of an 80’s rockstar and a traditional martial arts bad ass a la Hashimoto. That guy and the new guy in the ring were such disparate characters that connecting the dots seemed nearly impossible. A mohawk that he didn’t even bother to spike? The “YeaOh!” call after his matches and the weird peace sign-finger gyrations. What?

I was absolutely skeptical, yet I had to keep watching. Something about him was magnetic. Not only had he finally gotten more comfortable within his own skin, but he was one hell of a performer. In fact, he was probably one of the best that I had ever seen in the ring, which was saying a lot. But all of this happened while I myself was grappling with who and what I really was and where I was heading. I was watching someone that I had given up on entirely remake himself and find his true, inner self in a strange embodiment of self-actualization, and he was absolutely stellar.

Right now I’m in a different place than where I was when I first saw Nakamura back in 2002. A lot has changed. Some of the bad, some for the good, some for the great. I have a lot of incredible things to look forward to and for that I’m eternally thankful. Last night I thought that I wasn’t going to make it, but talking to my wife after she woke up kept me up long enough to tune in to watch the match. A lot of that was strange, looking back. I was laying in bed, watching a live New Japan event on my phone while my wife sat next to me reading something that I had wrote on her Kindle. The difference between that kid locked up in his bedroom with his latest giant box of VHS tapes from Lynch sitting on that ugly, green shag carpet upstairs in my parents’ old house and that 33 year old man in bed was that of night and day.

A Young Shinsuke. Still kind of a giant nerd.
A Young Shinsuke. Still kind of a giant nerd.

This entire week I had been reflecting on my work, past and present, and was coming to certain conclusions about where I needed to head next. Some of that reflection was that my work has improved so much that I almost don’t recognize my past work as my own anymore. The novel that I’m currently in the midst of revising was worked on as a sort of fun, relaxing break from what I considered my “serious” projects, but now I’m finding that the writing, the style, the narrative and the characters are simply much more striking and interesting than anything else that I’ve ever done. That meant coming to the tough decision to shelve the science fiction book that I was looking to release next to give it more time to sit before I return to it and give it a full rewrite to get it to exactly where I want it to be.

Sometimes self-realization requires accepting of one’s self and to strive for exactly what you want yourself to be, as opposed to trying to fit into a mold that seemed like an okay fit at the time, but the further you got the more of a pain in the ass and restrictive it grew to be. I’ve had a lot of influences in my life and I’m not about to pretend that Shinsuke Nakamura was the main one, but it would be crass to ignore the impact that his work and journey has had on me.

AJ Styles and Shinsuke Nakamura on 1/4/2016. Now both with WWE.
AJ Styles and Shinsuke Nakamura on 1/4/2016. Now both with WWE.

So last night I got to witness the send off for one of the greatest in-ring performers of this generation, of a guy that I got to watch grow while I, too, grew alongside him. The tearful, emotional send off from some of the most hardcore fans in Japan, his friends and rivals had a profound impact on me. That was a man who impacted lives across the world, and this wasn’t his funeral, nor was it his retirement, simply a send off while he prepared for a new chapter in his life in America under the WWE banner.

Will I enjoy his work in WWE the same as I did in New Japan? Who really knows. WWE is essentially the popcorn movie to pro wres’s action-drama style, the summer comic book movie featuring the big stars, the big special effects, sometimes a profound story but mostly a bunch of bullshit with talented people involved uniformly, while pro wres can be a lot of things, overlapping a lot of different genres. But I’ll still be watching while I, myself, evolve and grow into the man that I’m comfortable and happy being, in hopes of one day being able to be as happy with myself and my work as the King of Strong Style was with himself.

#YeaOh.

(If you’ve never seen him… just watch)

Of Art, Viability, Respect and Genre; or, Self Reflection and Forgiving George Lucas

Some of the topics that I grapple with from time-to-time have to do with commercial viability and creator intent. As a writer, I’ve always felt that my strengths were more along the lines of the absurd, strange and thought-provoking nature. The first novel project that I worked on was predicated on wanting to make big, bold statements and to do so through a carefully-tuned, broken narrative structure. It may have been a bit of a large undertaking considering my lack of experience in writing novels and the commitment to the art of long form.

When I reflect on that story, sometimes I cringe and other times I get nostalgic and want to start it all over again and make it work. Basically, I always looked at writers who were presenting stories that were a bit different and looked up to them, wanting to be able to add to that lexicon of work some day. I saw writers like Kurt Vonnegut, Philip K. Dick, Thomas Pynchon, Haruki Murakami and even David Foster Wallace and that was what I wanted to do. Granted, my technical knowledge and interests might not line up with some of them, but I always wanted to create something that was frustrating for all of the right reasons and was left open to interpretation. A lot of my short fiction that I produced throughout college fell along those lines, including tales of god-like airline passengers that crash a jet to make a point, a young army veteran with a sheet of metal lodged in his head that kept him teetering the line between lunacy and lucidity and scenes of extreme, casual violence.

When I ventured off on my new journey into writing in late 2010 I found myself in a bit of an impasse. That crazy novel that I had began back in 2006 hadn’t gotten very far and looking back at it, well, it was a mess. I had some complicated ideas for it written out somewhere, but the actual novel itself had a lot of problems. Having never written anything longer than 20-or so pages before I found myself having a difficult time keeping tenses correct, which was only compounded by taking weeks and months off in between writing sessions and opting to write in a stream of consciousness fashion. This led to some utterly profound and interesting segments as well as some complete garbage that simply couldn’t be saved.

So the idea was to simply start over. The thing is, I was severely “out of shape” mentally. While I’ve tried to never masquerade as anything beyond what I am, I always considered myself a pretty smart guy, but not reading or writing on a consistent basis for a few years while working a menial, soul-sucking job left me without much left in the tank. Picking up old favorites to read was difficult, trying and frustrating, my mind quickly wandering elsewhere, which was a problem. I felt like I had simply let any intelligence and wit that I once had fade and degrade beyond repair. If you’ve known me for a long time, you’ll know how absolutely soul-crushing and difficult this was for me. But I persevered, I kept trying and eventually that hazy cloud began to roll back a little bit at a time.

I became deeply entrenched in MMA and kickboxing, simply because I had been involved in both for so long and it was the world that I knew, as well as the world that knew me. A large part of my identity after college was tied in with those sports and my work writing about both (kickboxing, mainly), so I rolled with it. One day I sat down and decided to work on a short story, with the concept being imagining what it would feel like for a down-and-out fighter who was once incredibly famous and successful to be to get out of bed with all of his physical and emotional aches and pains. I wrote for many hours straight and eventually found myself sitting on 14,000 words and a lot more left to say. I had unwittingly found myself a new novel project, which would go on to be “The Godslayer.”

Once again, in retrospect, I see problems in that book from on the sentence-level to the conceptual-level. Agents and publishers didn’t seem overly interested in it, but were encouraging for me to keep going and come back to them with something marketable. Men don’t buy books, never mind sports fans, they said. I shrugged, figured that with my contacts within the industry I could release it, get some support and go from there. I also wanted to do so without spending money, which was a very big mistake. I think that “The Godslayer” is a good story and I’m glad that I told it, but I think that my exuberance for releasing something and hoping for some commercial success may have clouded my better judgement in giving it the fine-tuning that it deserved.

I’m talking revisions, editing, the works. Maybe some day I’ll revisit it, or maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll someday try to wipe it from existence, who knows. That cloud that I spoke of before had rolled back some, but I found myself back in a familiar place again; working hard, long hours and finding myself mentally and physically unable to do much else beyond work and be grumpy. My identity being tied to MMA and kickboxing led to me getting more and more work in the field, going deeper and deeper into the well.

My dream of being a successful novelist was still there, but I had placed it on hold in hopes of making enough money so that… I’m not really sure? There wasn’t really an end in sight, just this thin hope that if I saw enough success in what I was doing I could some day stop and leverage it into publishing books. No, it doesn’t really make much sense, but that was where my mind was at.

When I was thinking about my “career” as a novelist, I found myself frustrated and dejected. “The Godslayer” did pretty well considering that the marketing that I had was calling in favors with friends to publish articles about it, making podcast appearances and writing guest articles for websites to promote it. Also, yeah, like I said before, kind of a mess of a book that I should have been more careful with before releasing. I had always loved science fiction, dating back to my love for Star Wars and the expanded universe novels being what got me into reading when I was younger, pushing me off into other science fiction and later other books outside of sci-fi, so why not write sci-fi? Science fiction has that commercial appeal with readers and, in my mind, there was a lot of garbage out there already. I could probably do something pretty cool, pump out a series pretty quickly and follow the blueprint that a lot of self-published novelists had set over the past few years. I’m a smart dude, I could do this no sweat.

In summer of 2014 I decided to step away from as much of my work in MMA that I could and focus solely on this new plan of whipping up a science fiction series quickly, getting it out and getting some buzz going. My point of reference for science fiction literature ended somewhere in the late 90’s and I had grown to be of the mind that not much had happened that was worth reading or being concerned with after then. I had kept up with television and film, for sure, with some all-time favorites being Star Trek DS9, Babylon 5 and Firefly on the TV side and, well, not many new sci-fi movies were classics, exactly.

Anyway, I made another mistake here, that mistake was not respecting the genre properly and understanding it. I knew that there was stuff out there that did well, I have a general understanding of what they were, how they were written and how well-received they were, but I hadn’t really sat down and acclimated myself to a lot of the work out there. I knew the classics and knew that there was a market for science fiction so I went for it, hoping to churn out a ton of books in quick succession.

This is where “Terminus Cycle” came in. I’ve talked about disappointments with it before and I stand by them. Reflecting on it, I made some mistakes, and perhaps the biggest mistake of all was not having the respect for modern science fiction and understanding the market. My determination to be successful led me to push for something that I felt would be commercially viable as quickly as I could to build up a library of work. My intent for it was all over the place, with my stress levels on the rise because I wanted to release something that was really, truly great, something that would stand the test of time, but I wanted to do it quickly. That sort of devil-may-care attitude blended together with the pressure that I put on myself to not only write something substantial, but that would help to push my career forward led to some errors in judgement.

My intent was there, but man did it not translate into exactly what I had pictured for it. I honestly shouldn’t be talking about my own perceived failings that much because there were a lot of people that enjoyed the book and have been asking about the follow-up. In fact, those outweigh any of the more critical opinions that I’ve seen, but even then, I have a hard time with it, as just about any artist does with their work. Part of why I’m writing all of this out, though, is because I was watching the recent George Lucas interview from Charlie Rose. George Lucas has been put through the grinder over the past fifteen or so years, which the release of Star Wars: The Force Awakens has only stirred up yet again.

Personally I see a lot of what Lucas has done and find stuff wrong with it. There is a lot to poke holes into when it comes to his work, from dialogue to human interaction to pacing and his incessant meddling. But still, George Lucas was the guy who created Star Wars, doing so being a tremendous risk at the time. Yet he succeeded. What followed was a career of commercial films that ranged from huge successes to near misses, all of this from a guy that never wanted to create commercial, Hollywood-style films.

When faced with what he saw as another ten years of his life to create a third Star Wars trilogy and a few commercial busts on films that he helped produce, Lucas decided to hand the keys to LucasFilms over to Disney for a hefty chunk of change and to move on. His ideas for the next few Star Wars films were rejected outright by Disney and he decided that it was time to simply walk away from something that had both consumed and defined his life as an artist and a human being.

Undoubtedly George Lucas fucked up a few times in his career, with those fuck ups only amplified by the fact that Star Wars has been such a beloved franchise that many fans grew up with. Lucas claims that he’s making films again, but that they are more like his early works, the experimental kind that most likely won’t see the light of day but make him happy. Star Wars was an obsession for him, they were his creation, but he’s been forced to move on.

Star Wars, was, if anything, a part of his quest to prove that he was more than just the guy who got lucky with American Graffiti, that he could create a new sort of fairy tale that at the time was incredibly innovative with its use of technology and filming techniques. He, of course, looks back at all of his past work and hates most of it, which really resonated with me today while watching this, because I understood it.

I’ve been wanting to work my way back to what got me passionate about writing in the first place, but I’ve had a number of detours and each time I walk away with more knowledge and understanding, but I also walk away disappointed and frustrated with myself. Along the way, though, I’ve found a new found respect for science fiction literature by spending the past year consuming as much of it as I could, finding myself enamored with the likes of James SA Corey, Ann Leckie, John Scalzi and many more. I read some really great sci-fi and some really mediocre sci-fi. I’ve also read some sci-fi that I don’t really enjoy, but understand the appeal of.

What taking a crash course on modern science fiction has really done for me is to give me that newfound respect for the genre, but also to harden my resolve when it comes to writing science fiction. There is a lot of great stuff out there and I feel like I have a very good grasp on what I want to contribute to it now. I have the “Terminus Cycle” follow-up in a good place right now and I even have more ideas that are bubbling over in my mind, just ready to come out when I’ve got the time and will to work on them.

George Lucas definitely has his shortcomings, as do we all, but he helped to shape a genre for generations to follow while also pushing the world of filmmaking forward into a new direction. That wasn’t always his intention or what he saw for himself, but it became his legacy because sometimes that is simply what happens in life. For myself, I’m happy that I’m at a place where I’m seeing my own shortcomings while also seeing growth and understanding what I want to do as I move forward as a writer.

As I write this it is 2016 and it’s time for forgive George Lucas and respect what he did and how he changed all of our lives, just like we all need to give ourselves a break sometimes and not be too hard on ourselves. As long as we are all learning and trying to move ourselves forward there is no sense in beating ourselves up over silly mistakes or perceived past failures.

So I’m going to post this without proofreading it because, hey, it’s a blog post and I’m tired. So sue me.

The Force Woke Up Last Night, and It Was Great

This blog tends to err more on the side of my professional life and updates on my book projects. Seeing as though I’m currently going through the process of trying to find an agent for my next novel, there really isn’t a whole lot that I can say is going on right now with that. My next novel has been through a few rounds of revisions and I’m pretty happy with it, but for right now I’m testing the waters of traditional publishing after a few years of growth as a writer.

What’s funny is that I also am finishing up a first draft on another novel. This one is still science fiction, in a broad sense, but more closely in line with post-apocalyptic fiction. It’s a story that I started working on back in 2004 as a group project of sorts, only to start it over again a few years ago. I really never saw myself doing much with it, but my wife read what I had at the time (which was about 10,000 words) and kept asking me when I was going to do more with it. Eventually that became my “distraction” when I needed a break from the Terminus Cycle follow-up and now I’m just about done with the first draft of that. Crazy, right? So I have essentially two books just about ready to roll, which I’m excited about. Whenever they happen.

Anyway, what mostly got me to sit down and write tonight was that I saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens tonight. Going into it I was a bit torn, mostly because Star Wars has such a long, strange history. I’m not overly nostalgic or emotional about a lot of things, which can be a good thing, but also kind of a bummer to some people. I see a lot of the stuff that comes out pandering to my generation, hoping to loop in our kids into our depressing downward spiral of nostalgia with movies, toys, video games, apparel and everything else. Star Wars is perhaps the most toyetic and mass-marketed franchise in the history of man.

While that isn’t always an indicator of quality, it usually is a red flag that something might be worth skipping out on. Yet Star Wars, for all of its flaws and my complicated love/hate relationship with it, lives on and still endears me to this day. That’s something special, indeed. Even after the prequel trilogy (ugh) still hanging around the neck of the franchise like an albatross, hopes were incredibly high for The Force Awakens.

Even the trailers felt more like Star Wars than the prequel trilogies ever did, which was a big deal. The removal of George Lucas from the equation almost seemed key into bringing the series back to its past glory and beyond. I’m a firm believer that it’s possible to respect George Lucas and still find him to be more of a plague on the series over the past 20+ years or so.

Sure, JJ Abrams can take a lot of the credit for bringing the Force Awakens to life, but what was really exciting to me was the return of Lawrence Kasdan, a writer who is just as responsible for those great memories that we all have from Star Wars as George Lucas as. Initially brought into the Star Wars universe when George Lucas handed off the framework of a script to Leigh Brackett, who then passed away, Kasdan was brought in to finish the script for Empire Strikes Back. He quickly became the silent thread holding the whole thing together. While A New Hope was fine, in retrospect a lot of the problems that we all find in the prequel trilogy were also a part of Episode IV, just in smaller doses.

I’m not overly fond of publicly criticizing other writers, but George Lucas isn’t a particularly great writer, especially when it comes to stuff like dialogue, human emotions, characterization and pacing. Kasdan was able to bring the characters to life further in Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi and I’m really not sure why he wasn’t brought in for the prequel trilogies. Lucas handled the writing for The Phantom Menace on his own, collaborated with Richard Hales on the second prequel and then wrote the third on his own. Needless to say that simply didn’t work out.

Kasdan’s return, along with JJ Abrams and Michael Arndt put together one hell of a film in this that blended together nostalgia with new characters seamlessly. The new characters were center stage and their stories all felt important, while the older characters were there to add weight to their struggles. There was enough fan service to keep the old fans happy while still telling a new, valuable story and kicking off what should be a great series of films.

This movie was as close to flawless as a Star Wars film could get, which says a lot about it. Star Wars has never been overly weighty or grounded that much in reality, instead having more of a grand, sweeping fairy tale that has enamoured multiple generations. The story here definitely had weight, but there were also comedic moments worked in that fit the story, added depth to the characters without being as overt as some of the stuff that Lucas attempted to work in, showing that a deft approach at humor will always work out better than trying to bring in an animated comedic figure like Jar Jar Binks. The effects also felt a lot more in line with the aesthetics of the first trilogy, still feeling modern and fresh without having that overly polished, super CG look that a lot of films have.

Like I said before, I’m not an overly emotional person and I do get bothered by stuff like people trying to outdo each other with how hardcore of a Star Wars fan they are. I’m not the type of person who is going to show up at a premier like this all dressed up in a costume or being animated about much, but that’s just how I am. I’ve been a fan of these movies since I was a kid and have most likely seen the original trilogy dozens, if not over a hundred times now, as well as partaken in my share of merchandise sales. Hell, I’ve got well over $1,000 in Star Wars Legos lining my office right now. Still, you won’t find me publicly declaring myself THE BIGGEST STAR WARS FAN or anything like that, nor will I be changing my social media profiles with Star Wars images. That being said, there were quite a few times throughout the movie where I felt myself tearing up, stuff like the opening credits roll, nostalgia stuff or even some of the story points.

Maybe it was just being so damned happy that something Star Wars was finally working out, that it was finally getting the respect and attention that it deserved. This movie made me feel like a kid again and not just some analytical jerk looking for plotholes. There was definitely some magic in this film, which I can’t say for any of the prequel movies, which even on rewatches are incredibly difficult to sit through.

Oddly enough, 2015 has been a very good year for triggering what nostalgia is left in me, with Mad Max: Fury Road and Star Wars: The Force Awakens both coming out in the same year, both reviving long-dormant series that I grew up obsessed with, and both delivering far more than I could have ever imagined that they would. Hell, I’ll even take James SA Corey’s The Expanse being made into a show on SyFy and that show not disappointing as a win.

Seriously, if you enjoy science fiction and haven’t been up on your reading over the past few years, check out The Expanse on SyFy. Really, really good stuff. Stick through for the first four episodes, trust me, it’s worth it.

“I’m Learning to Live”

A few weeks ago I came to a bit of a strange decision considering the path that I had chosen for my career and my books. That decision wasn’t the easiest and really, I’m not sure that posting about it is the smartest thing because, well, things don’t always work out in the end, right?

Anyway, that decision was to take a long, hard look at Andlios Book Two and decide where I wanted to go with it. As most of you reading will know (or should know), I finished the rough draft of Andlios Book Two in late August and since then have been working on fine-tuning it over the past few months. I took about a month and a half away from it as well to start a new project, but I’ve been back at it for a few weeks now. I’m reaching the point with Book Two to where I’m understanding that there are a lot of things that I’d need to get moving on soon to get it ready for release, mostly being commissioning new artwork and then finding and paying an editor to run over it with a fine tooth comb to catch my [mostly] embarrassing mistakes that I still make after writing professionally for ten years now.

So I jumped back for a second and looked at Terminus Cycle, which included looking at what I did right and what I did wrong. I learned a lot from the release of Terminus Cycle, especially compared to what I learned between the release of Godslayer and Terminus Cycle. What’s funny is that there were years in between the release of Godslayer and Terminus Cycle, but Terminus Cycle was only released in late March and I only have seven months of sales data to sift through. Yet the muscle, money and time that I put into marketing Terminus Cycle and being able to figure out what works and what didn’t work has been invaluable. I also learned just how valuable being meticulous with revisions can be.

I’ve talked about this at length before, but I’m not sure that I put enough time into revising TC and after release I’ve found a myriad of things about it that I wish that I had done differently. There have even been moments where I’ve considered going through and doing those things that I didn’t do to it to jazz it up a bit, but for right now I’m letting sleeping dogs lie.

One thing that I did do for Godslayer and didn’t do for Terminus Cycle was working to get it published through traditional publishers and working through the whole system that is publishing. That means querying agents and trying to get my foot in the door that way. I made a conscious decision with Terminus Cycle to go the “indie author” route with it, and when looking back through the numbers, I’m not so sure that everything worked out the way that I wanted it to. I moved thousands of copies, which is really, really cool and I’ve amassed a decent number of reviews on both Amazon and GoodReads, working out to a 4.0 average on each site. Really, that’s pretty cool, considering Godslayer has zero reviews on GoodReads and 11 on Amazon after a number of years. Hell, I’ve seen books released by major publishers who have less reviews.

I’m tremendously proud that I’ve been able to reach people and stir up enough in them to leave a review of my book, good, mediocre or bad. I’ve been approaching “Book Two” a bit differently and upon reflection, I think that it’s a pretty damned good book at this point. The idea of sinking a whole lot of time and money into breaking even (or losing money) against is a hard pill to swallow at the moment. While I make enough money off of LiverKick right now, the idea of working as a novelist has always been to make it sustainable.

The vast improvement in quality (or quality control, I guess you could say) and how I wrote the book drove me to decide to pump the brakes a bit on publishing this book right away and instead feel through the waters of literary agents and give myself a chance to get this published traditionally. Now, I know what you are saying; isn’t this book two? It is and it isn’t. While this is the continuation of the lore and even some of the characters from Terminus Cycle, I wrote it in an accessible way to where if someone went into it without reading Terminus Cycle they not only wouldn’t feel lost, but would feel entirely comfortable using it as a jumping off point.

I went as far as to rename Terminus Cycle on Amazon from Terminus Cycle (Andlios Book One) to Terminus Cycle (Andlios Origins). Is that a cop out? I’m not sure, but it treats the journeys of Jonah Freeman and Peter O’Neil with respect and helps to establish the Andlios universe for those that are interested. For those that don’t feel like they need to go there? That’s cool as well,  you’ll still hear about their stories and the history of Andlios and the Earthers in this new book as well.

If I do find an agent and do start working on the process of getting this book released through a major publisher it might take a while, which is kind of a bummer for those that are actually waiting for it, but I felt like it had been four years since I made an attempt at working through the traditional publishing industry and have come so far since then. It’s worth a shot, right? If things don’t quite work out over the next few months and every agent I queried shoots me down or simply isn’t interested then I might just move forward with releasing it on my own, but I feel very strongly about this book and that my time and efforts are worth money at this point.

Changes on Amazon and the crazy deluge of self-published works hitting the market are difficult to deal with right now and, in a way, Terminus Cycle got lost in the shuffle. This upcoming book will most likely appeal more to a wider swath of readers and might even be received better, which could mean more success, but having help in promoting the book and distributing it could go a long way to do it the justice that I believe that it deserves.

I do have a novella that I’ve been working on with some of the backstory from the planet Andlios that I wrote in a manic daze back a few months ago that I plan on returning to shortly and running through a few phases of revision. I’ll most likely be releasing that on my own within the next few months once I have it in a place that I want. So hopefully I’ll have a bunch of cool news over the next few months. Until then? Back to revisions and working hard every day.

I write things, you read them. Pretty simple.

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